“I feel self-conscious about my body and always have done.” This is something I hear a lot from the women I work with.
One of the most common reasons – directly or indirectly – why relationships break down is sex. It is such a HUGE deal yet we don’t talk about it. It’s embarrassing so we ignore it. And our relationship suffers.
When we were younger, and first discovering sex, we would talk about it all the time. It was a key topic of conversation.
What is normal?
How long should you wait?
How many times a week is the ‘right’ amount?
Discussions about the embarrassing noises and messes could be talked about openly, with nobody batting an eyelid.
But then we got older. Maybe got married, or into serious relationships, and suddenly it didn’t feel right to talk about it, so we buried our heads in the sand and pretended everything was ok. Maybe skirting around the subject from time to time when books like 50 Shades of Grey come out.
And so we question what is ‘right’ and ‘normal’, we lose self-confidence, we clam up and our relationship goes downhill as a result.
I don’t believe in keeping quiet on the subject so in Life Reboot Camp and Self First I talk about sex a lot, and work on dealing with issues that the women on these programmes have.
To help them feel more comfortable and able to open up about this sensitive subject honestly I created an anonymous survey, a safe place for them to share any problems or issues concerning sex.
One of the issues that came up from various women was:
I feel self-conscious about my body
and always have done
And I know they are not alone in feeling this way, so I thought I would address this concern in a blog post in case this is holding you back from being able to enjoy your partner, your sex life and your relationship to the maximum.
First of all ask yourself these questions:
- Where does this feeling come from?
- Is it old (parents, siblings, other family members growing up)?
- Is it recent (your current partner, an ex, a “friend”)?
- Or is it simply society?
We are born loving ourselves, including our bodies, so this has come from something someone has said to you.
Are you able to think back to a person / people who might have said something to you about your body or your looks in the past? Even a passing comment or a joke 30 years ago could have had an effect.
It is important to understand that comments made about someone else nearly always say more about the person making the comment than the person in question. Maybe that remark came from the other person’s insecurities, from jealousy, from fear?
That comment and those remarks were not about YOU, they were about the other person, and what was going on with them. So you can totally discard them. Delete them from your mind, brain and memory.
Easier said than done, I know. But if you think or write it down every day you will make progress:
“My mum told me I had thunder thighs because she was jealous of my youthful looks.”
“My ex-boyfriend used to tell me I had a fat arse because he was afraid I would leave him.”
And so on. Take the power of these other people away, and reclaim it for yourself.
Have you watched the film, I feel pretty with Amy Schumer? If not, watch it. Now.
How did it make you feel? Did it help you to understand that your physical appearance and how you feel about it is all a question of what’s going on in your mind…?
Again, write this down / think it / say it every day:
“I am pretty / beautiful.”
Just because you are not a supermodel doesn’t mean you are not pretty / beautiful in other people’s eyes.
What do you like / love about your body?
For example I like my boobs and my bum, they make me feel sexy and womanly. But I HATE my legs, my thighs, my cellulite. So when I’m naked I only think about how sexy my boobs and bum are. I refuse to even think about my short, chubby legs or my fat ankles.
I channel Marilyn Monroe and Sofia Loren and imagine I’ve got that kind of curvy, beautiful body, then it’s far easier to feel / be sexy.
Who could you channel? What bits do you need to concentrate on that are good / that your partner loves? And what bits do you just need to totally forget about?
Feel free to share any anonymous comments on this particular issue around sex or anything else that you struggle with. Don’t go through it alone – you and your relationship deserve better!
If you would like to know more about my Life Reboot Camp programme click here
If you would like to know more about Self First – a programme created and run by Marie Houlden and me – click here
I really hope this helped lovely – don’t forget to share it if it did so we can help others together 🙂
Why not pin this post for later so you don’t lose it
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